then what??????????

a frnd wrote:

what has the world come to when people 'teach' you how to live abetter life...... 'i belong to you?' why must i belong to you? andeven if i do, thats only for me to know! why would i want you to knowwhether i belong to you or not? what if that makes you unhappy, andsubsequently me? an art gone waste, or is there another chance? if iwere to be happy, i neednt go about saying all good things to people,expecting them to be happy for that! no!

i replied:

i dont know....i myself am confused....y do i need to be so good all the time....y do i need to make people happy?? i do i act like lord krishna?? did lord krishna make everyone happy....he moved away from gokul which made numerous gopinis and radha cry for him....he killed kansha and made his wife mourn.....what social reform will i bring by telling people that i belong to them?? what if i catch hold of a man passing by stop him and tell him that i belong to him...next moment he might just try to follow me home, ask for my number, try to bother me and in the end turn out to be nothing but a road side romeo....then what??

I belong to you

Hello, I am Sumana and I belong to you. It’s not easy to hold someone’s hands and say this. “I belong to you? What crap!! I can’t say this to all, particularly to the person next to mee”, was my first reaction when I went to this art of living meditation camp. The man next to me smelled like a pig. I was reluctant to even look at him forget holding his hands and completely surrendering myself. Like mee many other also loathed doing so. Dinesh came forward and held my hands. He was smiling at me. I felt good. Everything good about Dinesh, his touch, his smile, his smell, his glance, the pony tail, which was hanging at his back, the spotless white kurta he was wearing… just everything. He looked deep into my eyes and said, “I belong to you. It’s very simple you see. All you need to do is smile and make yourself as well as your partner feel comfortable. Now do it.” The “do it” sounded more like I-am-asking-you-to-do-it-so-u-have-to. There was something in Dinesh that compelled me to listen to what he said. I turned back and unwillingly held the hands of the smelly man. He was smiling. After a few second’s thought I finally said those golden words and was happy to realize that it was over. Dinesh was standing behind me, still with that captivating smile. He held my hands again and said, “It’s easy only if you think”. Yes that’s so true. I joined the crowd holding each one’s hands I passed by and telling then with all my heart “yes I belong to you.”

Sunday August 3rd

I'll just share how my Sunday August 3rd went by:

1. I got up almost around 11 am feeling heavy at heart. Mom’s certainly not impressed.

2. Asmita called and asked if we could go out. I know she desperately wanted to. But when August 3rd is a Sunday, it's just a Sunday more than anything else…than August 3rd…than Friendship Day...Mom's in the house. Dad’s away…so I am expected to be home helping her or may be just giving her company…I hesitated and thought for sometime...then said later….

3. I got a few calls and loads of SMS’. Even my EF (Enemy Friend) wished me. I did not reply…but when she called I had to smile and act nice…

4. I wanted to speak to him…dialed his number twice…my heart became heavy again…before his cell rang I disconnected the line…this process continues for some time until I decided to give up…

5. Asmita called again…we bitched about friends and discussed how much we hated men who have cheated on us…(that’s the bitchy self of mine I love)

6. Even people whom I have long lost in touch with wished me. I can't believe few of the blokes still have my number saved.

7. Mom gets more pissed finding mee on phone since I woke up so she gives me some house-cleaning work to do (needless to mention, I promised her, I would, this Sunday.)

8. After lifting some awfully dusty suitcases and bags I get on to unpacking some cartons. Lots of cleaning takes place for the next 2 hours. I get hold of an old diary. Spend some time thinking about him. I try to SMS him, but finally delete the message after typing.

9. Tania calls. I just recall we decided to meet after 4 years. She kept complaining about not keeping in touch for all these years (have you forgotten sweetheart, you were the one who thought I was after your boyfriend? Naughty, now you accuse me!) We decide to meet in the evening.

10. Have my lunch. Mom’s a great cook. She made chicken, dal and bhaji for lunch.

11. I lie down on bed with “almost single”. I have been reading it almost 5 times now…have read almost 111 pages…this book almost gives me a high…I almost laugh, cry and live with the characters….

12. I fall asleep, when, I don’t know...a call from Tania wakes me…she confirms the time at 5 again.

13. I wake up after half an hour sharp and finally take a bath.

14. Mom’s ready to leave for Debjani Di’s house. I get ready to leave.

15. On my way I stop to buy friendship bands (don’t know why I act so stupid at times)

16. I miss him again...Pray to god to please make him call…curse myself for having no self esteem…

17. As usual Tania hasn’t reached yet. I call her. She comes in the next couple of minutes.

18. We head towards the swimming pool scoop. There is nothing to feel nostalgic. The place has entirely changed.

19. I order for food. Yummm…so what is he isn’t around…I must celebrate the 4th anniversary, I think…

20. We talk talk and talk…the bitching, gossips never empties the chatterbox…

21. Mom calls. I ask her to wait near the foot bridge. It’s my day to help her, I think. I will accompany her to the fish market….eks I just hate it…but I will pretend…like now I am pretending to be fine and happy…I am good at it…the practice made me perfect…

22. We buy vegetables, groceries and raw meat. Head towards home.

23. I switch on the TV and start surfing casually. “pehla nasha, pehla gumar”…that’s his favorite song…OMG I miss him again…and this time I cry… so I switch to some other channel…the stupid laughter show (I hate watching it) makes me laugh…

24. Mom comes in…she wants to watch some Bengali channel…I hand over the remote to her and head to the balcony with “Almost Single”…

25. The dinners ready…I dive into my plate, almost…I didn’t know I was that hungry…I love hogging…I love hogging more when am hungry…

26. It’s almost 10.30…I hit the bed with the remote…put the TV on sleep mode after half an hour…start surfing casually again….

27. Saionee calls…she sounds worried…we talk for a long time…I am becoming a “twitteroholic”.

28. Finally I go to sleep thinking bout him…

I wish I could remain awake for some more time...sit, think and write way past midnight…about survival, about pain, joy, friendship, love, hatred, about this world and its people…I wish I and insomnia were good friends…I wish I were a passionate writer...I can barely keep my eyes open now and I can barely think and write...Yet I am craving on the bounds of my sanity that time would come to a halt and stay still for a bit and thoughtful words would lend a hand to my lunacy during that eerie silence in reality…

I sometimes feel that I am breathing on borrowed time…Time that I need to plead, borrow and steal from someone else...I do not know how this happens...but it does…I have developed a sudden craving for noise...silence sounds deafening…Any noise…any kind of noise...it just has to be some sort of noise…not any sound…but noise…it’s more like a hopeless attempt to drown the silence I feel growing inside mee...I walk through busy streets, rambling my way through the world, earning a living and yet...nothing...Nothing registers…There is no sound, no color, no pain, no heat, no cold, no emotion, no land, no people…its only a survival on borrowed air…

Today, I stood alone watching the sun go down...i had done this earlier many times while getting back home from school…I had stood at the same place, where I was yesterday, to witness the most powerful getting engulfed by darkness…I have appreciated the orange hues turning purple…Mesmerizing…yes it still is...

I have yearned to lose myself in someone like the rivers that meet at the confluence…After a point one cannot tell which is which…

continued here....

Anek holo agoon niye khela!

Anek holo agoon niye khela!

Agoon tomay ki diechhe bolo?

Vesuvius jaagchhe dekho cheye,

Ebar tomar ason tolomolo.

Ajutborsho angarey angarey

Panjor ghirey jwolchhe lelihan-

Jwolchhe hridoy,jwoluk tobe aaj,

Dripto hoye jwoluk abhiman.

Taar cheye ei torol agoon naao

Ason theke ebar eso neme-

Agoon jwalo amaar dhomonite

Chinbo tomay preme,apreme.

back to childhood........

have you ever thought of reliving your childhood days?? have you ever thought of running down those waterlogged streets dirtying your shoes and clothes?? have you not missed fighting with a friend for a mere sticker that u managed to get for free with a bubble gum?? Have you not missed those days when u played pranks and got scolded??have you not missed sharing Tiffin with your close friends or sipping over a single bottle of coke??

Free periods in school… when I had endless chit chat with friends making loud noise until the teacher from some other class dropped in to give a good piece of thrashing…and then all us either stood on the bench holding ears or kneeled outside the class as a mark of punishment…lunch break and we are out in the play ground pushing each other in a football game…fighting over silly issues with friends that would hardly last an hour…

Little games at the park where we all would meet in the evening back from school…there I would be sitting on the park bench as I grew up from a kid into a lady…sit there with my close circle and talk about life…from non-stop running that would take my breath out it became long casual walks…

the last words....

hie,
I feel a lil strange to write to you...i dont know where do i start of, proceed and then conclude...my heart wants to pour out a lot...talk of my life, my dreams, aspirations, my sufferings, my anguish, my pain , my very being....thoughts, which have flown so easily out of my heart, today does not even find the right path to move....
i think no one on this earth has ever loved withouth getting hurt...it is a part and parcel of the relationship..i still cant believe that u have someone else in your life...someone who has become more dear to you than mee...i still dont believe that i am just a past for you now...
you are my lifeline even today...my world...my entire system...even today....i love you with all my heart...even today...when i cant touch you, hold you, kiss you, smell you, feel you, and perhaps love you...you have seized every right from mee....all i can do is sit here chained..and wish...wish i could change things they way they are...wish i cud be around to hold you in a stormy night...wish i cud be ur biggest support when u need...wish i cud make you smile even in the darkest hours of life...but i cant....my belief is shaken....i have no control over my life...not any longer i trust myself...
the day i fell in love with you i promised myself never to leave you alone... never leave you to the ravages of the world and never ever lonely...i shall weep your disappintments away and smile heartily at your rejoicing...everyday i wished to be by your side and make you feel that i care...
now i cant even see you or hear you...not even feel your presence...i cant tame my heart...it still loves you...it always will...i read somewhere "the most beautiful things in life are often the ones we cannot see...What makes the desert beautiful is the fact that it hides a well somewhere"...i do not want the world and its people to hurt you ever....mundane prosaicness are stored for myself...i trust you...i knw "my sri can never go wrong" (only if you allow mee to call you mine when am alone)... People haven’t learnt yet to rise above themselves...You certainly will...
I have knwn unbounded happiness when I have heard the thud of your heart....when i have sensed your breath..when i have felt your touch....I have throbbed with the pulse of life when you have lovingly looked into my eyes...I have survived days by the strength of the love we have borne each other and I have lived a life called “you”... you make such a difference to my life...with all your power...i smile when you smile...i cry when we dont speak...i live each day for you...and perhaps will sleep quietly now....
there is perhaps a small box in our head that holds all crapy memories...and it becomes alive when we are low...these memories, they make us feel as if everything has come to a halt...i have reached the edge of my life...if i stay i will die...if i jump i will die...i pray to the god of death to come by stealth and steal my breath away...it is such a moment when i like others have realized who matters, who never did, who wont anymore and who always will....and without whom i cant think...
I shall walk every step of your life with you even when my soul will rest in peace....my soul inseparably entwined with yours...
“My whole heart rises up to bless

Your name in pride and thankfulness!”

rain....

it rained here last nite...i was working on a project for late...there wasn't ne forecast from before...i didn't check the time when the downfall began...cud be 2 cud be later...i rushed to the back yard...i had left my shoes there.....by the time i reached they were filled with water....the downpour drenched me entirely...water dripping down my head...the cold crystals touched me all over and gave me a sensational feeling...i had goosebumps...i took of the clutch and let my hair down...i cud hear nothing but the rain...rain on the tinned roof...rain on the concrete roads...rain on the leaves, rain on the glass, rain on the already filled buckets...twas amazing...i heard the Brazilian samba and African Calypso beat louder and louder....

amar birsti bheja dupur...

amar dupur ta aaj boro nijhum.... more gechhe prokiti....janlar kalo kanch diye meghla akaash aro mon ta ke bhari kore tulchhe....ektu age barandaye giye dariyechhilaam....boro gumot arr beshka gorom....akash er rong dhusor....duur e infinity arr CTS er building duto jeno mishe gechhe oi dhusor akasher saathe...fir e elaam nijer seate....mon mora hoye coffee r cup e chotto chumuk....Allianz er opor ekta article likhte hobe... german based firm ekta....world's leading financial service provider....mon na boshleo jor kore kaaj mon dilaam.... lekha tokhon pray shesh......chokh tule dekhi janlar thik pashei under construction baritar baansh e bandha ekta kalo chapa kapor khub jor e urchhe....tobe ki jhor uthlo....baire gelaam chhute....kalo megher anchol uriye tokhon prithibi matowara.....nalban er jheel er opar theke ekrash kalo megh dheye aschhe edike....aaj jhor er kaache amar ektai chaowa....ektu khani bristi....gorom er shondhaye amar bristir jonne mon kemon kore....boshonter bhor e amar bristir jonne mon kemon kore....sheet er misti dupur e amar bristi r jonne mon kemon kore....kalo megh mathar opor diye tokhon ure cholechhe kon sudure......ichha holo tar hath dhore amio chole jayi.....hariye jayi megh er deshe.... boro boro fontaye bristi namlo....jodi half day niye beriye porte partaam?? sobhuj ghasher opor jodi khali paye hathte partaam ei muhurte....payer tolay thanda bheja jol lagto amar...siure uthto somosto sorir......jhom jhomiye bristi namto charidike.....ami eka.....shukno shal pata mathaye diye gaacher tolay dariye.....kaan pete shuntaam bristir rimjhim....gachher pataye nupurer awaj....chokh mele dekhtaam ojhor dhare bristi.....bristir chador gaaye mure hente choltaam kono ojana poth e..... khanik pore bristi thamle abar baire gelaam.....durer akash e saath ronga ramdhonu...?? naki amar mon gora bhabna dana mele neel akashta ke rangiye dilo.... ki jaani.....amar du chokkhe tokhon swapno.....ojhor dhare bristi te bhejar swapno.....eka....othoba bhalo lagar kono ek manushe r saathe.....

a song...

I sit and stare, and empty chair, another day without you
Each one for me, can only be, another day without you
I put the street beneath my feet, so not to think about you
But every sound and every sight unlocks a picture of you
Each memory a rush of joy and pain
If only I could hold you once again!
And if we laughed and if we cried we did it all together
It never once crossed my mind it wouldn't last forever
One mistake, that's all it takes and then
You turn around, you're on your own again

a poetry by a friend...

Brishti chaile je deen shei deen thekei amar ekhane

jhorna...tumulsharadeen...meghla dhusor charpash

Hawa-r beg, aklanto okritrim

Onaghrato sonda aghraan...

buk bhore tene ni

Khuje phiri shei chena chena sukh

kundoli pakie dhoa amar chokrobuhho

Bondee chaar dewaal aar mukto mon

Bheja sobuj aar harano neel

Ochena torunee-r chokh e chokh

Mridu hashi...

thoth er ek kon Shonalee agun perie jontronae beke thake

Abar dekha hoa-r age heshe othar prostuti

Buuk hate shorisrip, dhuloe poth cholar chobi

Carpet e upur hoe achi...

jani odrishyo ei jongomota

Brishti cheyecho jedeen ami plabon boe enechi

Dyakho matha nue pore ache gach...

Klanto hahakaar e bhore sondha

Mon kharap korbo shei ichhe tuku-o nei

Beche achi bodh tuku-i khali amar

Baki tuku lukono ache, thak

Aaj Ami brishti chai na aar

Roddur ami ghreena kori...

silence

silence had always been deafening for mee…I just need to talk when I am happy…when I am sad…when I am confused…when I am confident…I need to keep talking n keep pouring my heart out to those I love…and I had never found any difficulty in sharing even my darkest secrets with you my life…

the dawn arrives….

I was sleeping one night and suddenly felt this emptiness all around mee...it was a magical moment...the whole world was painted black and there was no trace of a second color anywhere else apart from what I irked on myself…and then a little girl came from the darkness, with a palette and a brush in her hand and started painting all around mee...the darkness changed bright colors…there were rich hues and contrasts and a blend of colors all around me…it was magical…I woke up to discover myself sitting amidst dark…the little girl was like a spring of muse in the sheer dark night...my heart has longed to breathe fresh air…I longed for to change the world with the 'magic' brush...the absence had grown each day and now it can’t be contained… since then I had searched for the magic brush…the quest is still on…I want to paint this world with bright shades of life…the world is changing fast…getting crowded by materialistic thoughts…I shall not cease to chase shadows…I shall not stop uncovering the mist in front of me, to hunt for what I want…I shall keep recovering the rotten, untidy and damp corners of my memories and plow the images that deserves to be carefully contained…at times I have seen people surrendering to the pressures of the enormously challenging world dictating their senses…with each passing moment new relations had crept in their lives…new loyalty and newer responsibilities…and with them the earlier ones get shaded away…people take a back seat to lay behind the old relationships…unattended…forgotten...this is human nature in its cruelest form…but its competitive best…we name it as “rationally correct attitude” in today’s GLOBAL WORLD...we try to earn our daily bread and store some for the future…we try to provide security to our family…we try to be responsible…we try to accomplish the wishes of our family…parents, grandparents, siblings…we try to walk out of hollow relations and build fruitful ones…we try to hunt for victory, for gains, profits, accomplishments and honor…we try to create an identity of our own…a recognition unshaken, firm, successful, happy! The race to get things right continues, taking new shapes, new forms and new definitions…but the race goes on with the carrot dangling right in front of you…the night approaches at the end of dusk…the world turns dark, murky, isolated, gloomy and not worth exploring…not at least the little girl comes along with her colors and shades and contrasts and strokes…not at least till she waves her magic brush to things turn bright again...the dawn arrives….

heartfelt thoughts...

For me there is no place where I can go…There is no one whom I can turn to…No air that I can breathe…It's just mee…and thoughts of you in my mind…

I am sitting idle…thinking about you…joining dots…One dot to another...now the dots have also stopped to appear after regular intervals...as if they are shying away...thoughts of you are clouding in my head more…my heart is longing to feel your touch once…to hear your voice…I want to make this moment eternal…

The moment is so beautiful…I wonder, if your thought could make such a difference how would I feel in your presence…I love to walk barefoot on the wet grass…and then settle down in a corner facing the sun to write lovely poetries for you…I stretch my arms to feel your presence once…again I succumb in a shell…

My heart has started agitating now…I am walking up and down in my room…I dial your number once…the fear starts creeping in…what if u do not answer?? I will feel defeated and abandoned…have you ever lied on your bed lazily and dialed my number…disconnected the line…again dialed it…? Perhaps never…I have done it a million times…it had always been so stupid…yet I had done it bravely…I know it’s an extremely silly thing to do. Sometimes I had kept on dialing your number in the hope that you would answer…few times you did…I felt happy…now, that is power of will...

It’s mid-night now…I just walked down to the balcony to see the stars…as a kid I had thought there is a very special star for me...somewhere… someday it will embrace mee…staring at the night sky I suddenly felt my star is still looking over mee…my star is special to mee…just like it looks over mee it looks over you too…and over everyone else who matters to mee…upon all those who are the reason of my sustenance…

There is a euphoria within myself…I feel ecstatic…I am lucky that I am aging…aging with you…the journey of my life is so precious…it has always been ever since I had known you… people around me hide their age…they feel scared to admit the fact that they are aging…funny…they don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone you love…someone who cares for you…someone who makes every moment of your life special…someone who does not push you to the brim of your life to leave you with no other options but to commit suicide...someone who does not humiliate you beyond repair…life is precious to me…your presence make it priceless…sweet…

Our relationship is different….every relationship in this world is different…they are unique in their own way…then how is ours different from every other relationships…? Do you have an answer to this…? I do…have you ever wondered what keeps us sailing even after not reuniting for years…? Memories…sweet memories that we keep creating…you and mee…a relationship that arouses curiosity in both of us…you have inspired me to think “what”, “when”, how” every time I read or heard something… questions are sometimes harder to come across than answers…you have taught me to ask questions to myself…I kept growing with you…the growth is constant…and that keeps us sailing…every time there was a question I have searched for the answer crazily…reliving each moment of our lives…

The sum total of many things in life does not add up to anything…I had spent a lot of time trying to find how I gained…what I gained…but was left with no answer…life has made me feel good and miserable…I grew up to understand that even if many things in life do not sum up to anything from which you can gain, yet they are real…real figures…parts of our lives…life has taught me that sometimes the best of dreams come in parts…

I don’t know what am I writing…perhaps it does not make any sense to you…you might not find much time out of your busy schedule to read this whole mail… all I can say is that when I opened my eyes and saw you smile, my universe was born…

Ode to Melancholy

NO, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.
But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.
She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

Ode to Melancholy…one of my very favorite poetries of John Keats…I had read Keats and loved him the more I read…I could relate the sadness with mee… I cherish every moment when I am sad…loneliness to me is a slow, damp wind that blows from the sea on a warm, humid day. It had always soothed mee…the grey sky makes it all ashy….there is such a deep bonding between quiet with wait…my heart waits for his return quietly…my waiting drenches in the quietness of night…giving birth to loneliness… melancholy…Now a day I am not scared of loneliness…I cherish being alone every moment…

i miss you

i miss you when i walk past the coffee shop
i miss you when i see the empty park benches
i miss you when its 8 am and the phone doesnt ring
i miss you when theres a match on the tv
i miss you when the new movies release on fridays
i miss you when i get angry and want to throw things at people
i miss you when i get a compliment i would want to share it with you
i miss you in the mornings, evenings, noon and night
i miss you in my breakfast, i miss you in my dinner
i do not know how else i miss you, but i tell you things are just not right without you being there....

if you were around i would have shared a thousand thoughts with you. if i could see you i would have shown you all the love i have carefully preserved in my eyes. if i could hold you i would pass on the same shiver i get when i see your radiant face. but the thoughts remain in the core of my heart, the love wells up in my eyes into an ocean of tears, the shiver trickles down my spine and i miss you. with each passing moment, with growing intensity, with the helplessness of a child left alone, i miss you. i cant relate to what i miss you like, its uncomparable, the pain of missing you doesnt have a human equivalence, the suffering it bestows upon me is never ending, i long to look up and cry aloud - oh! i am missing you in every beat of my heart, in every second of my existance, in every dream i have dreamt, and i miss you with all my life.

letter i wrote long time ago....

I was hoping to see the green button before your name on the left side of this page when I signed in. Then I looked at the clock n thought you must be busy working right now or else I would have called you to let you listen to my heart beats right at this moment. It feels as if it is trying to get free from the cages of my rib. It has gone wild after many many days. The conclusion of our last conversation left me at a loss. A strange kind of dilemma… Those intriguing questions- have I become what they call "comfortably numbed" ...or it is just the result of a cloistered life. Why have I turned into this misogynist monster? What is happening to me? The heavy mood...the constant chattering with my inside...the long sighs...the endless droll of all those sounds around me...my life no more so precious to me... decay…there's no escape.

Today when I surfaced, all set to go home it was pouring heavily. I joined the group standing under the porch...Two ladies and a man… The women bitter, tired complaining about the weather. The man impatient, irritated, the regular "Grimance"...uttering exasperations for his work getting delayed. It seemed all were standing there to join the great majority. A sudden surge from within me....I thought I would just run down to the end of the road and come back. I started walking. The last thing that touched my eardrums was the careless gibber of one of the ladies. Soon I was out of their reach. I looked back after reaching the end of the road....those people under the porch...I can't go back. I didn’t want to...I wanted to be alone...I kept walking Soon my glasses were fogged. I took them off. My heart pounding against my chest…I was enjoying. I walked walked and walked.... No voices from inside ...I could think...I was free. I kept on until I was totally out of breath. I could feel the nerves pulsating at my temples. Beautiful memories..long walks with you…longer telephone conversations...getting closer to you...feeling a man's heart pounding hard on mee....were in my head and the constant clattering of raindrops outside.... Now I am cold, shivering, drenched, my hands trembling as I write these. Words are flowing like I have no control over them. I want to write and write. What are those words, which can express this euphoria inside me? I don't know. It was wonderful. I can be happy by myself. I want you to know that

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"

another moment of our life….

The thundering, the lightning, the storm… surrendering to the rain…Kalbaisakhi again. The dust rose and turning the whole world into a restless soul….The thunder crackling the skies to split…. The heavens poured their heart out….My soul awoke to an unmeasurable time of old memories….the rain, the storm, the thundering…surrendering the souls to drench….Nature opened her arms and embraced me, hugged me close to her heart….I was hearing the music of the rain…on the roof, on the leaves, on the road, on a pot filled with rain water, on the tinned roof of the car…it was music that fled everywhere….I heard an unspoken promise… the promise of love…it was never told…yet I heard it…my heart was pounding faster every second…The purple velvet veil was torn apart…I waited to catch a glimpse of yours….my senses became sharp as I held my breath….the world stirred again…I had lived another moment of our life….

wish....

When someday i will die...I wish to hold your hand on my chest and say to the world that I have lived all the happiness of my life in that moment....and die with a smile...

Perhaps

Too long have I ceased myself from writing about my loneliness. It only increased my pain and did nothing else. I had been holding these feelings closely knit to my heart hugging my secrets… and have stretched my arms wide to embrace whatever the world had to offer… I succumbed to accept the rather MUNDANE, the MOMENTARY, the things that were served to me. I could hear my soul revolt, scream and after losing the battle cry…but I had to live to get that LOVE… for I wage this lonely battle for my most cherished ideal: for LOVE.

I have worship the feeling of LOVE for I respect the person I LOVE. Venerating it with passion and adoration, I hug it close to my soul, praising it beyond all others. I water Love with my tears giving my all to it. I keep losing my garb of humility and stand alone, severe yet proud. I fall in Love, once, twice, a million times with HIM.

I have surrendered to Love with complete abandon. I have no thought for my own happiness. I wish to ask HIM if HE wanted Love like I did; if HE knew the agony that this hunt entailed. I wonder what HE would say…My soul is at peace when I hear HIM talk. His words soak my spirit…

I know no one else who could feel Love and pain as intensely as I can. I always wanted LOVE to happen. I waited for it until I met HIM. It was a magic moment when we met… karmic bonding… I can walk through the driest desert, live without water; stand in cold throughout the night. I can take every trial one needs to go through to attain ecstasy; moksha; nirvana; deliverance.

He is just so perfect. Everything is perfect when he is around. Now I can’t settle for the less than perfect. I live for HIM. He is mu LOVE…like the shades of the sea, the aura of the sky...ever-changing, ever attractive…

Everyone asks me about the future…I don’t know the future…I have not seen the future… In times of need I reach to my past…I turn to my childhood, I seek solace in the dreams I had dreamt... ideals I believed.

Now-a-days I feel “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye”. “What makes the desert beautiful”, says the little prince “is that somewhere it hides a well.” My LOVE to holds a very special place in HIS heart for me…I can sense his presence in the world and that makes my life endearing...the world a mesmerizing place….

Perhaps…

rongin.....

rong shob mile mishe ekakaar.... neel, laal, holud, shobuj, sonali, dhussor, golapi...shob mile mishe ek odbhuture obostha....

neel amar priyo rong (obossyoi tar thekeo beshi bhalo laage kalo)...neel manei amar kache khola akash...aar bheshe jaowa tukro tukro swapno...ami swopno dekhte bhalobashi....amar ek bondhu chhilo...onek choto belay...krutika...christian...ami or bariteegiye thaktaam majhemajhei...uncle amader mango icecream kore khawaten....sunday krutika arr ami church e jetaam...church er dewal gulo neel ronger chhilo...tar opor megher chobi anka...stained glass er janla diye rongeen rodh esche porto amar gaaye haathe....father er chokh ta neel ronger chhilo...ami ekhono janina seta oi neel dewaler reflection chhilo kina....
laal amar kache amar ager office er boss....neelanjana r priyo rong laal...oi ghor e shob kichu te laal er abha...fab india theke kena natun laal kurta, gift e pawa titan er laal band er ghori, amar arr aditi r dewa laal leather er juti, feluda r diary r motto laal diary, laal parker pen, fresh laal gerbera...or chotto cabin ta khub vibrant....mon kharap lagchhe....oi laal muhurto gulo fir e pabo naa arr....laal bolte ekhon khali buddho arr tar party r niskormo kormi ra....
holud mesho r prothom gari...amar khub baje lagto...seta obossyo beshi deen thake ni...alpo koekdeen nei accident e tar iti....
shobuj ghasher opor jogging kortaam ami arr mamon khali paaye....bhorer shishi r paaye lagle naaki chokh bhalo thake....keu bolechhilo....ke seta mone nei....mamon et sobuj churidaar...arr oi shahid afridi r photo te roj raat aar ghum theke uthe kiss kora....pakistan er jersey pora green....shobuj amar kathi ice cream...dutaka diye...onek koste maa er chokh lukiye...ekhon sobuj mane poriborton...maa manti manush
sonali poronto bikeler alo....ei somoy ami eka eka dariye thekechhi lake town er barir reservoir er opor....
golapi...amader english ma'm er saree...golapi amay nandini ma'm ke mone koray...roj uni golapi pore asten...bhari golay british accent e shakespeare er play....onar kaachei prothom shakespeare porechhilam...the tempest...ferdinand arr miranda r love affair....

holi amar kache purono memories....ek ek ta rong ek ekta smriti...identity...

aaj.....ekhon.........

ei muhurto tuko dhore rakhte ichha korchhe khub....ekta nispran dupur...ami eka..oneker majhkhane...sobar majhe thekeo eka thaka jaay...aaj kal boro dukhho bilashi hoye uthechhi ami...ageo chhilam...kintu aaj kaal jeno ektu berechhe jinish ta...sobar majhe thekeo boro eka bodh kori....goto ponero deen e onek kichhu bodhle gechhe...kaaj, kaaj er jayga, kaaj er somoy, kaaj er dhoron...shob...
ei muhurto tuku khub shundoor...ami ekta...eka boro ghor e...amar ashe pashe onek gulo computer e kaaj cholchhe...baire megh...bristi hochhe jhir jhir kore....ei prothom miss korchhi sector V er 6th floor er baranday dariye briti dekha...
kintu somoy ke dhore rakha jaay naa...tahole toh tomar saathe jokhon ektu kotha bolte payi sei khon tuku chirokaal korte partaam....

bristi tomay dilaam

aaj jhomajhom jolorashi likhe debo....
uttor e tumi bonya likhte paro....
bhalo na thakar hajar rokom karon....
bristi te bheja othoba bhijte baron.....