Thursday, April 17, 2008

a song...

I sit and stare, and empty chair, another day without you
Each one for me, can only be, another day without you
I put the street beneath my feet, so not to think about you
But every sound and every sight unlocks a picture of you
Each memory a rush of joy and pain
If only I could hold you once again!
And if we laughed and if we cried we did it all together
It never once crossed my mind it wouldn't last forever
One mistake, that's all it takes and then
You turn around, you're on your own again

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

a poetry by a friend...

Brishti chaile je deen shei deen thekei amar ekhane

jhorna...tumulsharadeen...meghla dhusor charpash

Hawa-r beg, aklanto okritrim

Onaghrato sonda aghraan...

buk bhore tene ni

Khuje phiri shei chena chena sukh

kundoli pakie dhoa amar chokrobuhho

Bondee chaar dewaal aar mukto mon

Bheja sobuj aar harano neel

Ochena torunee-r chokh e chokh

Mridu hashi...

thoth er ek kon Shonalee agun perie jontronae beke thake

Abar dekha hoa-r age heshe othar prostuti

Buuk hate shorisrip, dhuloe poth cholar chobi

Carpet e upur hoe achi...

jani odrishyo ei jongomota

Brishti cheyecho jedeen ami plabon boe enechi

Dyakho matha nue pore ache gach...

Klanto hahakaar e bhore sondha

Mon kharap korbo shei ichhe tuku-o nei

Beche achi bodh tuku-i khali amar

Baki tuku lukono ache, thak

Aaj Ami brishti chai na aar

Roddur ami ghreena kori...

Monday, April 7, 2008


silence had always been deafening for mee…I just need to talk when I am happy…when I am sad…when I am confused…when I am confident…I need to keep talking n keep pouring my heart out to those I love…and I had never found any difficulty in sharing even my darkest secrets with you my life…

Saturday, April 5, 2008

the dawn arrives….

I was sleeping one night and suddenly felt this emptiness all around was a magical moment...the whole world was painted black and there was no trace of a second color anywhere else apart from what I irked on myself…and then a little girl came from the darkness, with a palette and a brush in her hand and started painting all around mee...the darkness changed bright colors…there were rich hues and contrasts and a blend of colors all around me…it was magical…I woke up to discover myself sitting amidst dark…the little girl was like a spring of muse in the sheer dark heart has longed to breathe fresh air…I longed for to change the world with the 'magic' brush...the absence had grown each day and now it can’t be contained… since then I had searched for the magic brush…the quest is still on…I want to paint this world with bright shades of life…the world is changing fast…getting crowded by materialistic thoughts…I shall not cease to chase shadows…I shall not stop uncovering the mist in front of me, to hunt for what I want…I shall keep recovering the rotten, untidy and damp corners of my memories and plow the images that deserves to be carefully contained…at times I have seen people surrendering to the pressures of the enormously challenging world dictating their senses…with each passing moment new relations had crept in their lives…new loyalty and newer responsibilities…and with them the earlier ones get shaded away…people take a back seat to lay behind the old relationships…unattended…forgotten...this is human nature in its cruelest form…but its competitive best…we name it as “rationally correct attitude” in today’s GLOBAL WORLD...we try to earn our daily bread and store some for the future…we try to provide security to our family…we try to be responsible…we try to accomplish the wishes of our family…parents, grandparents, siblings…we try to walk out of hollow relations and build fruitful ones…we try to hunt for victory, for gains, profits, accomplishments and honor…we try to create an identity of our own…a recognition unshaken, firm, successful, happy! The race to get things right continues, taking new shapes, new forms and new definitions…but the race goes on with the carrot dangling right in front of you…the night approaches at the end of dusk…the world turns dark, murky, isolated, gloomy and not worth exploring…not at least the little girl comes along with her colors and shades and contrasts and strokes…not at least till she waves her magic brush to things turn bright again...the dawn arrives….

Friday, April 4, 2008

heartfelt thoughts...

For me there is no place where I can go…There is no one whom I can turn to…No air that I can breathe…It's just mee…and thoughts of you in my mind…

I am sitting idle…thinking about you…joining dots…One dot to the dots have also stopped to appear after regular if they are shying away...thoughts of you are clouding in my head more…my heart is longing to feel your touch once…to hear your voice…I want to make this moment eternal…

The moment is so beautiful…I wonder, if your thought could make such a difference how would I feel in your presence…I love to walk barefoot on the wet grass…and then settle down in a corner facing the sun to write lovely poetries for you…I stretch my arms to feel your presence once…again I succumb in a shell…

My heart has started agitating now…I am walking up and down in my room…I dial your number once…the fear starts creeping in…what if u do not answer?? I will feel defeated and abandoned…have you ever lied on your bed lazily and dialed my number…disconnected the line…again dialed it…? Perhaps never…I have done it a million times…it had always been so stupid…yet I had done it bravely…I know it’s an extremely silly thing to do. Sometimes I had kept on dialing your number in the hope that you would answer…few times you did…I felt happy…now, that is power of will...

It’s mid-night now…I just walked down to the balcony to see the stars…as a kid I had thought there is a very special star for me...somewhere… someday it will embrace mee…staring at the night sky I suddenly felt my star is still looking over mee…my star is special to mee…just like it looks over mee it looks over you too…and over everyone else who matters to mee…upon all those who are the reason of my sustenance…

There is a euphoria within myself…I feel ecstatic…I am lucky that I am aging…aging with you…the journey of my life is so precious…it has always been ever since I had known you… people around me hide their age…they feel scared to admit the fact that they are aging…funny…they don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone you love…someone who cares for you…someone who makes every moment of your life special…someone who does not push you to the brim of your life to leave you with no other options but to commit suicide...someone who does not humiliate you beyond repair…life is precious to me…your presence make it priceless…sweet…

Our relationship is different….every relationship in this world is different…they are unique in their own way…then how is ours different from every other relationships…? Do you have an answer to this…? I do…have you ever wondered what keeps us sailing even after not reuniting for years…? Memories…sweet memories that we keep creating…you and mee…a relationship that arouses curiosity in both of us…you have inspired me to think “what”, “when”, how” every time I read or heard something… questions are sometimes harder to come across than answers…you have taught me to ask questions to myself…I kept growing with you…the growth is constant…and that keeps us sailing…every time there was a question I have searched for the answer crazily…reliving each moment of our lives…

The sum total of many things in life does not add up to anything…I had spent a lot of time trying to find how I gained…what I gained…but was left with no answer…life has made me feel good and miserable…I grew up to understand that even if many things in life do not sum up to anything from which you can gain, yet they are real…real figures…parts of our lives…life has taught me that sometimes the best of dreams come in parts…

I don’t know what am I writing…perhaps it does not make any sense to you…you might not find much time out of your busy schedule to read this whole mail… all I can say is that when I opened my eyes and saw you smile, my universe was born…

Ode to Melancholy

NO, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.
But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.
She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

Ode to Melancholy…one of my very favorite poetries of John Keats…I had read Keats and loved him the more I read…I could relate the sadness with mee… I cherish every moment when I am sad…loneliness to me is a slow, damp wind that blows from the sea on a warm, humid day. It had always soothed mee…the grey sky makes it all ashy….there is such a deep bonding between quiet with wait…my heart waits for his return quietly…my waiting drenches in the quietness of night…giving birth to loneliness… melancholy…Now a day I am not scared of loneliness…I cherish being alone every moment…

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

i miss you

i miss you when i walk past the coffee shop
i miss you when i see the empty park benches
i miss you when its 8 am and the phone doesnt ring
i miss you when theres a match on the tv
i miss you when the new movies release on fridays
i miss you when i get angry and want to throw things at people
i miss you when i get a compliment i would want to share it with you
i miss you in the mornings, evenings, noon and night
i miss you in my breakfast, i miss you in my dinner
i do not know how else i miss you, but i tell you things are just not right without you being there....

if you were around i would have shared a thousand thoughts with you. if i could see you i would have shown you all the love i have carefully preserved in my eyes. if i could hold you i would pass on the same shiver i get when i see your radiant face. but the thoughts remain in the core of my heart, the love wells up in my eyes into an ocean of tears, the shiver trickles down my spine and i miss you. with each passing moment, with growing intensity, with the helplessness of a child left alone, i miss you. i cant relate to what i miss you like, its uncomparable, the pain of missing you doesnt have a human equivalence, the suffering it bestows upon me is never ending, i long to look up and cry aloud - oh! i am missing you in every beat of my heart, in every second of my existance, in every dream i have dreamt, and i miss you with all my life.

letter i wrote long time ago....

I was hoping to see the green button before your name on the left side of this page when I signed in. Then I looked at the clock n thought you must be busy working right now or else I would have called you to let you listen to my heart beats right at this moment. It feels as if it is trying to get free from the cages of my rib. It has gone wild after many many days. The conclusion of our last conversation left me at a loss. A strange kind of dilemma… Those intriguing questions- have I become what they call "comfortably numbed" ...or it is just the result of a cloistered life. Why have I turned into this misogynist monster? What is happening to me? The heavy mood...the constant chattering with my inside...the long sighs...the endless droll of all those sounds around life no more so precious to me... decay…there's no escape.

Today when I surfaced, all set to go home it was pouring heavily. I joined the group standing under the porch...Two ladies and a man… The women bitter, tired complaining about the weather. The man impatient, irritated, the regular "Grimance"...uttering exasperations for his work getting delayed. It seemed all were standing there to join the great majority. A sudden surge from within me....I thought I would just run down to the end of the road and come back. I started walking. The last thing that touched my eardrums was the careless gibber of one of the ladies. Soon I was out of their reach. I looked back after reaching the end of the road....those people under the porch...I can't go back. I didn’t want to...I wanted to be alone...I kept walking Soon my glasses were fogged. I took them off. My heart pounding against my chest…I was enjoying. I walked walked and walked.... No voices from inside ...I could think...I was free. I kept on until I was totally out of breath. I could feel the nerves pulsating at my temples. Beautiful memories..long walks with you…longer telephone conversations...getting closer to you...feeling a man's heart pounding hard on mee....were in my head and the constant clattering of raindrops outside.... Now I am cold, shivering, drenched, my hands trembling as I write these. Words are flowing like I have no control over them. I want to write and write. What are those words, which can express this euphoria inside me? I don't know. It was wonderful. I can be happy by myself. I want you to know that

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"

another moment of our life….

The thundering, the lightning, the storm… surrendering to the rain…Kalbaisakhi again. The dust rose and turning the whole world into a restless soul….The thunder crackling the skies to split…. The heavens poured their heart out….My soul awoke to an unmeasurable time of old memories….the rain, the storm, the thundering…surrendering the souls to drench….Nature opened her arms and embraced me, hugged me close to her heart….I was hearing the music of the rain…on the roof, on the leaves, on the road, on a pot filled with rain water, on the tinned roof of the car…it was music that fled everywhere….I heard an unspoken promise… the promise of love…it was never told…yet I heard it…my heart was pounding faster every second…The purple velvet veil was torn apart…I waited to catch a glimpse of yours….my senses became sharp as I held my breath….the world stirred again…I had lived another moment of our life….

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