Wednesday, April 2, 2008

i miss you

i miss you when i walk past the coffee shop
i miss you when i see the empty park benches
i miss you when its 8 am and the phone doesnt ring
i miss you when theres a match on the tv
i miss you when the new movies release on fridays
i miss you when i get angry and want to throw things at people
i miss you when i get a compliment i would want to share it with you
i miss you in the mornings, evenings, noon and night
i miss you in my breakfast, i miss you in my dinner
i do not know how else i miss you, but i tell you things are just not right without you being there....

if you were around i would have shared a thousand thoughts with you. if i could see you i would have shown you all the love i have carefully preserved in my eyes. if i could hold you i would pass on the same shiver i get when i see your radiant face. but the thoughts remain in the core of my heart, the love wells up in my eyes into an ocean of tears, the shiver trickles down my spine and i miss you. with each passing moment, with growing intensity, with the helplessness of a child left alone, i miss you. i cant relate to what i miss you like, its uncomparable, the pain of missing you doesnt have a human equivalence, the suffering it bestows upon me is never ending, i long to look up and cry aloud - oh! i am missing you in every beat of my heart, in every second of my existance, in every dream i have dreamt, and i miss you with all my life.

letter i wrote long time ago....

I was hoping to see the green button before your name on the left side of this page when I signed in. Then I looked at the clock n thought you must be busy working right now or else I would have called you to let you listen to my heart beats right at this moment. It feels as if it is trying to get free from the cages of my rib. It has gone wild after many many days. The conclusion of our last conversation left me at a loss. A strange kind of dilemma… Those intriguing questions- have I become what they call "comfortably numbed" ...or it is just the result of a cloistered life. Why have I turned into this misogynist monster? What is happening to me? The heavy mood...the constant chattering with my inside...the long sighs...the endless droll of all those sounds around life no more so precious to me... decay…there's no escape.

Today when I surfaced, all set to go home it was pouring heavily. I joined the group standing under the porch...Two ladies and a man… The women bitter, tired complaining about the weather. The man impatient, irritated, the regular "Grimance"...uttering exasperations for his work getting delayed. It seemed all were standing there to join the great majority. A sudden surge from within me....I thought I would just run down to the end of the road and come back. I started walking. The last thing that touched my eardrums was the careless gibber of one of the ladies. Soon I was out of their reach. I looked back after reaching the end of the road....those people under the porch...I can't go back. I didn’t want to...I wanted to be alone...I kept walking Soon my glasses were fogged. I took them off. My heart pounding against my chest…I was enjoying. I walked walked and walked.... No voices from inside ...I could think...I was free. I kept on until I was totally out of breath. I could feel the nerves pulsating at my temples. Beautiful memories..long walks with you…longer telephone conversations...getting closer to you...feeling a man's heart pounding hard on mee....were in my head and the constant clattering of raindrops outside.... Now I am cold, shivering, drenched, my hands trembling as I write these. Words are flowing like I have no control over them. I want to write and write. What are those words, which can express this euphoria inside me? I don't know. It was wonderful. I can be happy by myself. I want you to know that

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"

another moment of our life….

The thundering, the lightning, the storm… surrendering to the rain…Kalbaisakhi again. The dust rose and turning the whole world into a restless soul….The thunder crackling the skies to split…. The heavens poured their heart out….My soul awoke to an unmeasurable time of old memories….the rain, the storm, the thundering…surrendering the souls to drench….Nature opened her arms and embraced me, hugged me close to her heart….I was hearing the music of the rain…on the roof, on the leaves, on the road, on a pot filled with rain water, on the tinned roof of the car…it was music that fled everywhere….I heard an unspoken promise… the promise of love…it was never told…yet I heard it…my heart was pounding faster every second…The purple velvet veil was torn apart…I waited to catch a glimpse of yours….my senses became sharp as I held my breath….the world stirred again…I had lived another moment of our life….

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