Thursday, August 7, 2008

Sunday August 3rd

I'll just share how my Sunday August 3rd went by:

1. I got up almost around 11 am feeling heavy at heart. Mom’s certainly not impressed.

2. Asmita called and asked if we could go out. I know she desperately wanted to. But when August 3rd is a Sunday, it's just a Sunday more than anything else…than August 3rd…than Friendship Day...Mom's in the house. Dad’s away…so I am expected to be home helping her or may be just giving her company…I hesitated and thought for sometime...then said later….

3. I got a few calls and loads of SMS’. Even my EF (Enemy Friend) wished me. I did not reply…but when she called I had to smile and act nice…

4. I wanted to speak to him…dialed his number twice…my heart became heavy again…before his cell rang I disconnected the line…this process continues for some time until I decided to give up…

5. Asmita called again…we bitched about friends and discussed how much we hated men who have cheated on us…(that’s the bitchy self of mine I love)

6. Even people whom I have long lost in touch with wished me. I can't believe few of the blokes still have my number saved.

7. Mom gets more pissed finding mee on phone since I woke up so she gives me some house-cleaning work to do (needless to mention, I promised her, I would, this Sunday.)

8. After lifting some awfully dusty suitcases and bags I get on to unpacking some cartons. Lots of cleaning takes place for the next 2 hours. I get hold of an old diary. Spend some time thinking about him. I try to SMS him, but finally delete the message after typing.

9. Tania calls. I just recall we decided to meet after 4 years. She kept complaining about not keeping in touch for all these years (have you forgotten sweetheart, you were the one who thought I was after your boyfriend? Naughty, now you accuse me!) We decide to meet in the evening.

10. Have my lunch. Mom’s a great cook. She made chicken, dal and bhaji for lunch.

11. I lie down on bed with “almost single”. I have been reading it almost 5 times now…have read almost 111 pages…this book almost gives me a high…I almost laugh, cry and live with the characters….

12. I fall asleep, when, I don’t know...a call from Tania wakes me…she confirms the time at 5 again.

13. I wake up after half an hour sharp and finally take a bath.

14. Mom’s ready to leave for Debjani Di’s house. I get ready to leave.

15. On my way I stop to buy friendship bands (don’t know why I act so stupid at times)

16. I miss him again...Pray to god to please make him call…curse myself for having no self esteem…

17. As usual Tania hasn’t reached yet. I call her. She comes in the next couple of minutes.

18. We head towards the swimming pool scoop. There is nothing to feel nostalgic. The place has entirely changed.

19. I order for food. Yummm…so what is he isn’t around…I must celebrate the 4th anniversary, I think…

20. We talk talk and talk…the bitching, gossips never empties the chatterbox…

21. Mom calls. I ask her to wait near the foot bridge. It’s my day to help her, I think. I will accompany her to the fish market….eks I just hate it…but I will pretend…like now I am pretending to be fine and happy…I am good at it…the practice made me perfect…

22. We buy vegetables, groceries and raw meat. Head towards home.

23. I switch on the TV and start surfing casually. “pehla nasha, pehla gumar”…that’s his favorite song…OMG I miss him again…and this time I cry… so I switch to some other channel…the stupid laughter show (I hate watching it) makes me laugh…

24. Mom comes in…she wants to watch some Bengali channel…I hand over the remote to her and head to the balcony with “Almost Single”…

25. The dinners ready…I dive into my plate, almost…I didn’t know I was that hungry…I love hogging…I love hogging more when am hungry…

26. It’s almost 10.30…I hit the bed with the remote…put the TV on sleep mode after half an hour…start surfing casually again….

27. Saionee calls…she sounds worried…we talk for a long time…I am becoming a “twitteroholic”.

28. Finally I go to sleep thinking bout him…


Tuesday, August 5, 2008

I sometimes feel that I am breathing on borrowed time…Time that I need to plead, borrow and steal from someone else...I do not know how this happens...but it does…I have developed a sudden craving for noise...silence sounds deafening…Any noise…any kind of noise...it just has to be some sort of noise…not any sound…but noise…it’s more like a hopeless attempt to drown the silence I feel growing inside mee...I walk through busy streets, rambling my way through the world, earning a living and yet...nothing...Nothing registers…There is no sound, no color, no pain, no heat, no cold, no emotion, no land, no people…its only a survival on borrowed air…

Today, I stood alone watching the sun go down...i had done this earlier many times while getting back home from school…I had stood at the same place, where I was yesterday, to witness the most powerful getting engulfed by darkness…I have appreciated the orange hues turning purple…Mesmerizing…yes it still is...

continued here....

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