Friday, April 4, 2008

heartfelt thoughts...







For me there is no place where I can go…There is no one whom I can turn to…No air that I can breathe…It's just mee…and thoughts of you in my mind…

I am sitting idle…thinking about you…joining dots…One dot to another...now the dots have also stopped to appear after regular intervals...as if they are shying away...thoughts of you are clouding in my head more…my heart is longing to feel your touch once…to hear your voice…I want to make this moment eternal…

The moment is so beautiful…I wonder, if your thought could make such a difference how would I feel in your presence…I love to walk barefoot on the wet grass…and then settle down in a corner facing the sun to write lovely poetries for you…I stretch my arms to feel your presence once…again I succumb in a shell…

My heart has started agitating now…I am walking up and down in my room…I dial your number once…the fear starts creeping in…what if u do not answer?? I will feel defeated and abandoned…have you ever lied on your bed lazily and dialed my number…disconnected the line…again dialed it…? Perhaps never…I have done it a million times…it had always been so stupid…yet I had done it bravely…I know it’s an extremely silly thing to do. Sometimes I had kept on dialing your number in the hope that you would answer…few times you did…I felt happy…now, that is power of will...

It’s mid-night now…I just walked down to the balcony to see the stars…as a kid I had thought there is a very special star for me...somewhere… someday it will embrace mee…staring at the night sky I suddenly felt my star is still looking over mee…my star is special to mee…just like it looks over mee it looks over you too…and over everyone else who matters to mee…upon all those who are the reason of my sustenance…

There is a euphoria within myself…I feel ecstatic…I am lucky that I am aging…aging with you…the journey of my life is so precious…it has always been ever since I had known you… people around me hide their age…they feel scared to admit the fact that they are aging…funny…they don't realize what a privilege it is to grow old with someone you love…someone who cares for you…someone who makes every moment of your life special…someone who does not push you to the brim of your life to leave you with no other options but to commit suicide...someone who does not humiliate you beyond repair…life is precious to me…your presence make it priceless…sweet…

Our relationship is different….every relationship in this world is different…they are unique in their own way…then how is ours different from every other relationships…? Do you have an answer to this…? I do…have you ever wondered what keeps us sailing even after not reuniting for years…? Memories…sweet memories that we keep creating…you and mee…a relationship that arouses curiosity in both of us…you have inspired me to think “what”, “when”, how” every time I read or heard something… questions are sometimes harder to come across than answers…you have taught me to ask questions to myself…I kept growing with you…the growth is constant…and that keeps us sailing…every time there was a question I have searched for the answer crazily…reliving each moment of our lives…

The sum total of many things in life does not add up to anything…I had spent a lot of time trying to find how I gained…what I gained…but was left with no answer…life has made me feel good and miserable…I grew up to understand that even if many things in life do not sum up to anything from which you can gain, yet they are real…real figures…parts of our lives…life has taught me that sometimes the best of dreams come in parts…

I don’t know what am I writing…perhaps it does not make any sense to you…you might not find much time out of your busy schedule to read this whole mail… all I can say is that when I opened my eyes and saw you smile, my universe was born…

Ode to Melancholy


NO, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.
But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.
She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

Ode to Melancholy…one of my very favorite poetries of John Keats…I had read Keats and loved him the more I read…I could relate the sadness with mee… I cherish every moment when I am sad…loneliness to me is a slow, damp wind that blows from the sea on a warm, humid day. It had always soothed mee…the grey sky makes it all ashy….there is such a deep bonding between quiet with wait…my heart waits for his return quietly…my waiting drenches in the quietness of night…giving birth to loneliness… melancholy…Now a day I am not scared of loneliness…I cherish being alone every moment…

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