the dawn arrives….

I was sleeping one night and suddenly felt this emptiness all around mee...it was a magical moment...the whole world was painted black and there was no trace of a second color anywhere else apart from what I irked on myself…and then a little girl came from the darkness, with a palette and a brush in her hand and started painting all around mee...the darkness changed bright colors…there were rich hues and contrasts and a blend of colors all around me…it was magical…I woke up to discover myself sitting amidst dark…the little girl was like a spring of muse in the sheer dark night...my heart has longed to breathe fresh air…I longed for to change the world with the 'magic' brush...the absence had grown each day and now it can’t be contained… since then I had searched for the magic brush…the quest is still on…I want to paint this world with bright shades of life…the world is changing fast…getting crowded by materialistic thoughts…I shall not cease to chase shadows…I shall not stop uncovering the mist in front of me, to hunt for what I want…I shall keep recovering the rotten, untidy and damp corners of my memories and plow the images that deserves to be carefully contained…at times I have seen people surrendering to the pressures of the enormously challenging world dictating their senses…with each passing moment new relations had crept in their lives…new loyalty and newer responsibilities…and with them the earlier ones get shaded away…people take a back seat to lay behind the old relationships…unattended…forgotten...this is human nature in its cruelest form…but its competitive best…we name it as “rationally correct attitude” in today’s GLOBAL WORLD...we try to earn our daily bread and store some for the future…we try to provide security to our family…we try to be responsible…we try to accomplish the wishes of our family…parents, grandparents, siblings…we try to walk out of hollow relations and build fruitful ones…we try to hunt for victory, for gains, profits, accomplishments and honor…we try to create an identity of our own…a recognition unshaken, firm, successful, happy! The race to get things right continues, taking new shapes, new forms and new definitions…but the race goes on with the carrot dangling right in front of you…the night approaches at the end of dusk…the world turns dark, murky, isolated, gloomy and not worth exploring…not at least the little girl comes along with her colors and shades and contrasts and strokes…not at least till she waves her magic brush to things turn bright again...the dawn arrives….

Ode to Melancholy

NO, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.
But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globèd peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.
She dwells with Beauty—Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:
Ay, in the very temple of Delight
Veil'd Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue
Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.

Ode to Melancholy…one of my very favorite poetries of John Keats…I had read Keats and loved him the more I read…I could relate the sadness with mee… I cherish every moment when I am sad…loneliness to me is a slow, damp wind that blows from the sea on a warm, humid day. It had always soothed mee…the grey sky makes it all ashy….there is such a deep bonding between quiet with wait…my heart waits for his return quietly…my waiting drenches in the quietness of night…giving birth to loneliness… melancholy…Now a day I am not scared of loneliness…I cherish being alone every moment…

i miss you

i miss you when i walk past the coffee shop
i miss you when i see the empty park benches
i miss you when its 8 am and the phone doesnt ring
i miss you when theres a match on the tv
i miss you when the new movies release on fridays
i miss you when i get angry and want to throw things at people
i miss you when i get a compliment i would want to share it with you
i miss you in the mornings, evenings, noon and night
i miss you in my breakfast, i miss you in my dinner
i do not know how else i miss you, but i tell you things are just not right without you being there....

if you were around i would have shared a thousand thoughts with you. if i could see you i would have shown you all the love i have carefully preserved in my eyes. if i could hold you i would pass on the same shiver i get when i see your radiant face. but the thoughts remain in the core of my heart, the love wells up in my eyes into an ocean of tears, the shiver trickles down my spine and i miss you. with each passing moment, with growing intensity, with the helplessness of a child left alone, i miss you. i cant relate to what i miss you like, its uncomparable, the pain of missing you doesnt have a human equivalence, the suffering it bestows upon me is never ending, i long to look up and cry aloud - oh! i am missing you in every beat of my heart, in every second of my existance, in every dream i have dreamt, and i miss you with all my life.

letter i wrote long time ago....

I was hoping to see the green button before your name on the left side of this page when I signed in. Then I looked at the clock n thought you must be busy working right now or else I would have called you to let you listen to my heart beats right at this moment. It feels as if it is trying to get free from the cages of my rib. It has gone wild after many many days. The conclusion of our last conversation left me at a loss. A strange kind of dilemma… Those intriguing questions- have I become what they call "comfortably numbed" ...or it is just the result of a cloistered life. Why have I turned into this misogynist monster? What is happening to me? The heavy mood...the constant chattering with my inside...the long sighs...the endless droll of all those sounds around me...my life no more so precious to me... decay…there's no escape.

Today when I surfaced, all set to go home it was pouring heavily. I joined the group standing under the porch...Two ladies and a man… The women bitter, tired complaining about the weather. The man impatient, irritated, the regular "Grimance"...uttering exasperations for his work getting delayed. It seemed all were standing there to join the great majority. A sudden surge from within me....I thought I would just run down to the end of the road and come back. I started walking. The last thing that touched my eardrums was the careless gibber of one of the ladies. Soon I was out of their reach. I looked back after reaching the end of the road....those people under the porch...I can't go back. I didn’t want to...I wanted to be alone...I kept walking Soon my glasses were fogged. I took them off. My heart pounding against my chest…I was enjoying. I walked walked and walked.... No voices from inside ...I could think...I was free. I kept on until I was totally out of breath. I could feel the nerves pulsating at my temples. Beautiful memories..long walks with you…longer telephone conversations...getting closer to you...feeling a man's heart pounding hard on mee....were in my head and the constant clattering of raindrops outside.... Now I am cold, shivering, drenched, my hands trembling as I write these. Words are flowing like I have no control over them. I want to write and write. What are those words, which can express this euphoria inside me? I don't know. It was wonderful. I can be happy by myself. I want you to know that

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"

another moment of our life….

The thundering, the lightning, the storm… surrendering to the rain…Kalbaisakhi again. The dust rose and turning the whole world into a restless soul….The thunder crackling the skies to split…. The heavens poured their heart out….My soul awoke to an unmeasurable time of old memories….the rain, the storm, the thundering…surrendering the souls to drench….Nature opened her arms and embraced me, hugged me close to her heart….I was hearing the music of the rain…on the roof, on the leaves, on the road, on a pot filled with rain water, on the tinned roof of the car…it was music that fled everywhere….I heard an unspoken promise… the promise of love…it was never told…yet I heard it…my heart was pounding faster every second…The purple velvet veil was torn apart…I waited to catch a glimpse of yours….my senses became sharp as I held my breath….the world stirred again…I had lived another moment of our life….

Perhaps

Too long have I ceased myself from writing about my loneliness. It only increased my pain and did nothing else. I had been holding these feelings closely knit to my heart hugging my secrets… and have stretched my arms wide to embrace whatever the world had to offer… I succumbed to accept the rather MUNDANE, the MOMENTARY, the things that were served to me. I could hear my soul revolt, scream and after losing the battle cry…but I had to live to get that LOVE… for I wage this lonely battle for my most cherished ideal: for LOVE.

I have worship the feeling of LOVE for I respect the person I LOVE. Venerating it with passion and adoration, I hug it close to my soul, praising it beyond all others. I water Love with my tears giving my all to it. I keep losing my garb of humility and stand alone, severe yet proud. I fall in Love, once, twice, a million times with HIM.

I have surrendered to Love with complete abandon. I have no thought for my own happiness. I wish to ask HIM if HE wanted Love like I did; if HE knew the agony that this hunt entailed. I wonder what HE would say…My soul is at peace when I hear HIM talk. His words soak my spirit…

I know no one else who could feel Love and pain as intensely as I can. I always wanted LOVE to happen. I waited for it until I met HIM. It was a magic moment when we met… karmic bonding… I can walk through the driest desert, live without water; stand in cold throughout the night. I can take every trial one needs to go through to attain ecstasy; moksha; nirvana; deliverance.

He is just so perfect. Everything is perfect when he is around. Now I can’t settle for the less than perfect. I live for HIM. He is mu LOVE…like the shades of the sea, the aura of the sky...ever-changing, ever attractive…

Everyone asks me about the future…I don’t know the future…I have not seen the future… In times of need I reach to my past…I turn to my childhood, I seek solace in the dreams I had dreamt... ideals I believed.

Now-a-days I feel “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye”. “What makes the desert beautiful”, says the little prince “is that somewhere it hides a well.” My LOVE to holds a very special place in HIS heart for me…I can sense his presence in the world and that makes my life endearing...the world a mesmerizing place….

Perhaps…

rongin.....

rong shob mile mishe ekakaar.... neel, laal, holud, shobuj, sonali, dhussor, golapi...shob mile mishe ek odbhuture obostha....

neel amar priyo rong (obossyoi tar thekeo beshi bhalo laage kalo)...neel manei amar kache khola akash...aar bheshe jaowa tukro tukro swapno...ami swopno dekhte bhalobashi....amar ek bondhu chhilo...onek choto belay...krutika...christian...ami or bariteegiye thaktaam majhemajhei...uncle amader mango icecream kore khawaten....sunday krutika arr ami church e jetaam...church er dewal gulo neel ronger chhilo...tar opor megher chobi anka...stained glass er janla diye rongeen rodh esche porto amar gaaye haathe....father er chokh ta neel ronger chhilo...ami ekhono janina seta oi neel dewaler reflection chhilo kina....
laal amar kache amar ager office er boss....neelanjana r priyo rong laal...oi ghor e shob kichu te laal er abha...fab india theke kena natun laal kurta, gift e pawa titan er laal band er ghori, amar arr aditi r dewa laal leather er juti, feluda r diary r motto laal diary, laal parker pen, fresh laal gerbera...or chotto cabin ta khub vibrant....mon kharap lagchhe....oi laal muhurto gulo fir e pabo naa arr....laal bolte ekhon khali buddho arr tar party r niskormo kormi ra....
holud mesho r prothom gari...amar khub baje lagto...seta obossyo beshi deen thake ni...alpo koekdeen nei accident e tar iti....
shobuj ghasher opor jogging kortaam ami arr mamon khali paaye....bhorer shishi r paaye lagle naaki chokh bhalo thake....keu bolechhilo....ke seta mone nei....mamon et sobuj churidaar...arr oi shahid afridi r photo te roj raat aar ghum theke uthe kiss kora....pakistan er jersey pora green....shobuj amar kathi ice cream...dutaka diye...onek koste maa er chokh lukiye...ekhon sobuj mane poriborton...maa manti manush
sonali poronto bikeler alo....ei somoy ami eka eka dariye thekechhi lake town er barir reservoir er opor....
golapi...amader english ma'm er saree...golapi amay nandini ma'm ke mone koray...roj uni golapi pore asten...bhari golay british accent e shakespeare er play....onar kaachei prothom shakespeare porechhilam...the tempest...ferdinand arr miranda r love affair....

holi amar kache purono memories....ek ek ta rong ek ekta smriti...identity...

bristi tomay dilaam

aaj jhomajhom jolorashi likhe debo....
uttor e tumi bonya likhte paro....
bhalo na thakar hajar rokom karon....
bristi te bheja othoba bhijte baron.....