letter i wrote long time ago....

I was hoping to see the green button before your name on the left side of this page when I signed in. Then I looked at the clock n thought you must be busy working right now or else I would have called you to let you listen to my heart beats right at this moment. It feels as if it is trying to get free from the cages of my rib. It has gone wild after many many days. The conclusion of our last conversation left me at a loss. A strange kind of dilemma… Those intriguing questions- have I become what they call "comfortably numbed" ...or it is just the result of a cloistered life. Why have I turned into this misogynist monster? What is happening to me? The heavy mood...the constant chattering with my inside...the long sighs...the endless droll of all those sounds around me...my life no more so precious to me... decay…there's no escape.

Today when I surfaced, all set to go home it was pouring heavily. I joined the group standing under the porch...Two ladies and a man… The women bitter, tired complaining about the weather. The man impatient, irritated, the regular "Grimance"...uttering exasperations for his work getting delayed. It seemed all were standing there to join the great majority. A sudden surge from within me....I thought I would just run down to the end of the road and come back. I started walking. The last thing that touched my eardrums was the careless gibber of one of the ladies. Soon I was out of their reach. I looked back after reaching the end of the road....those people under the porch...I can't go back. I didn’t want to...I wanted to be alone...I kept walking Soon my glasses were fogged. I took them off. My heart pounding against my chest…I was enjoying. I walked walked and walked.... No voices from inside ...I could think...I was free. I kept on until I was totally out of breath. I could feel the nerves pulsating at my temples. Beautiful memories..long walks with you…longer telephone conversations...getting closer to you...feeling a man's heart pounding hard on mee....were in my head and the constant clattering of raindrops outside.... Now I am cold, shivering, drenched, my hands trembling as I write these. Words are flowing like I have no control over them. I want to write and write. What are those words, which can express this euphoria inside me? I don't know. It was wonderful. I can be happy by myself. I want you to know that

"I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
The love that's all around me
And so the feeling grows
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend
I got to keep it moving
It's written in the wind
Oh everywhere I go
So if you really love me
Come on and let it show"

Perhaps

Too long have I ceased myself from writing about my loneliness. It only increased my pain and did nothing else. I had been holding these feelings closely knit to my heart hugging my secrets… and have stretched my arms wide to embrace whatever the world had to offer… I succumbed to accept the rather MUNDANE, the MOMENTARY, the things that were served to me. I could hear my soul revolt, scream and after losing the battle cry…but I had to live to get that LOVE… for I wage this lonely battle for my most cherished ideal: for LOVE.

I have worship the feeling of LOVE for I respect the person I LOVE. Venerating it with passion and adoration, I hug it close to my soul, praising it beyond all others. I water Love with my tears giving my all to it. I keep losing my garb of humility and stand alone, severe yet proud. I fall in Love, once, twice, a million times with HIM.

I have surrendered to Love with complete abandon. I have no thought for my own happiness. I wish to ask HIM if HE wanted Love like I did; if HE knew the agony that this hunt entailed. I wonder what HE would say…My soul is at peace when I hear HIM talk. His words soak my spirit…

I know no one else who could feel Love and pain as intensely as I can. I always wanted LOVE to happen. I waited for it until I met HIM. It was a magic moment when we met… karmic bonding… I can walk through the driest desert, live without water; stand in cold throughout the night. I can take every trial one needs to go through to attain ecstasy; moksha; nirvana; deliverance.

He is just so perfect. Everything is perfect when he is around. Now I can’t settle for the less than perfect. I live for HIM. He is mu LOVE…like the shades of the sea, the aura of the sky...ever-changing, ever attractive…

Everyone asks me about the future…I don’t know the future…I have not seen the future… In times of need I reach to my past…I turn to my childhood, I seek solace in the dreams I had dreamt... ideals I believed.

Now-a-days I feel “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye”. “What makes the desert beautiful”, says the little prince “is that somewhere it hides a well.” My LOVE to holds a very special place in HIS heart for me…I can sense his presence in the world and that makes my life endearing...the world a mesmerizing place….

Perhaps…